My Diabetes Theme-Song

Look, guys! I have found a song that basically talks about my relationship with my pancreas!! 

Starset wrote a song called "Let it die." I'll put the lyrics here, and a link to the song at the bottom of the post. 

I cut you into pieces

Searching for your imperfections

I had plans to make you whole.

But all my threads couldn't stop the bleeding,

You're so far gone but I'm not leaving 

When all I know is you.

I've been looking for a way to bring you back to life

And if I could find a way then I would bring you back tonight. 

I'd make you look,

I'd make you lie, 

I'd take the coldness from your eyes. 

But you told me

"If you love me,

Let it die." 

Your eyes stare right through me

Ignoring my failed attempts to 

Breathe back life into your veins. 

But I can't start 

Your cold heart beating

You're so far gone,

But I'm not leaving 

When all I know is you.

I've been looking for a way to bring you back to life

And if I could find a way then I would bring you back tonight. 

I'd make you look,

I'd make you lie, 

I'd take the coldness from your eyes. 

But you told me

"If you love me,

Let it die."

And you left me

More dead than you'll ever know

When you left me

Alone.

I've been looking for a way to bring you back to life

And if I could find a way then I would bring you back tonight. 

I'd make you look,

I'd make you lie, 

I'd take the coldness from your eyes. 

But you told me

"If you love me,

Let it die."

Starset: Let it Die lyric video on Youtube

Reason for this? When haven't I looked for a way to bring my pancreas back to life? Also, my pancreas was killed because my body destroyed it trying to fight off an immunization. So literally, I cut it into pieces searching for imperfections. Although I had plans to make it whole, I couldn't fix the damage that had been done. 

I'm definitely sure this isn't what the song was written for, but it works for me! :) 

Happy Diabetes Awareness Month!!!! 

Dear Diabetes....

Dear Diabetes,

We need to talk.

When we got started, you were very attentive. You were with me in the ups and downs and you helped me make some healthier lifestyle choices. But things have changed. You made some false promises and I have to call you out on that.

Rather than paying attention to me, you require a lot of attention. If I don't give you what you want, you punish me. If I don't check on you every few hours or sooner, you make me pay. You demand for me to think about you every second of every day, and you demand that I consider you with every decision I make. I can't make any "plans" spontaneously, because you do not approve of those. Every detail has to be run by you to make sure that it is okay. You are very controlling!

You are very abusive. Physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, in every way possible. You make me feel like I can't do anything without help. You make me feel depressed when I have no reason to be. You make me feel weak and sick all the time. You hurt me physically, too. I have scars all over my body from the drugs you make me take. My skin is thick and ugly because of the scars and scar tissue. My arms, my legs, my back and my belly are all hurt from your abuse. Modesty isn't an issue for me, because of the visible evidence you leave on my skin in those places. It wouldn't matter if I left you today, that will never leave me. I will live with that for the rest of my life. Because of you, it also takes me longer to heal. You have destroyed my body's ability to heal itself quickly and you make me breakable. Consequently, I feel weak.

You make people afraid to have anything to do with me. They don't understand our relationship, and they don't understand you. Because of that, my entire life I've dealt with rejection or neglect from the people around me. The only people that will put up with you is family and my closest friends. Others don't stick around for long, because you run them off.

You are expensive. I never have any money because I have to afford your needs. I feel like I'll never be able to support myself because I have to take care of you first. You eat my paychecks, regardless of how much money I make. When I feel like I'm finally getting ahead, you find a way to take that away from me. You don't have "cheap" needs, but everything with you is expensive. I can't afford to live with you, but living without you is not an option at this time.

You are a thief. You not only take my money, but you take years of my life and experiences from me. I don't get to do things that most people enjoy doing because of you. You destroy me inside a little more everyday and rob years from me. You stole a lot of things, including choosing what I eat and what I can do for a career. You took my ability to play sports and ride roller-coasters and drive for long periods of time. Living with you will kill me eventually, but I can't leave you. You won't let me do that. But every time you misbehave or hurt me, it destroys me inside and brings me one step closer to my demise. You have robbed my freedom to live.

You make me a burden. I know I can't afford you by myself, so for the rest of my life, whomever I am with will have to afford both of us. My parents, my sister, my future roommates or spouse will have to accept that I am expensive because I come with you. Within reason, no matter how much I work I will never be able to keep up with your cost. I will be a burden on my family, or I will feel like a burden on my family. Regardless of what they say or do, I will know that you are not easy to deal with--especially because of your cost.

I can never take a break from you. It doesn't matter if I am sick, or I am spending a lot of time at work, or I am on vacation, or whatever. I have to take you with me everywhere. There is no babysitter for you. You are my constant companion and you don't let me forget you are there. I never get a day to myself because you demand to be put first. But I put up with you, because I know you'll kill me if I don't. Slowly and painfully.

I wish that I could leave you. There probably isn't a single day that goes by that I don't wish I could just walk away and leave you far behind. I know that isn't an option, so I have to deal with your consequences. Honestly, I would rather you be with me than with my family and friends. I will take your daily beatings and other consequences so that they don't have to. They help me argue with you, but I feel better knowing that they aren't dealing with you directly.

I know that I cannot leave you yet, but I know that there will come a day wen I can. Believe me when I say that I will leave you as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Taylor Renee Ryerse

My apologies for the absence...

I had another spell of depression, so I have been very inactive lately. I will be more active soon! After I got over the depression issue, I've been attempting to keep up with homework.

My Alter Ego's experience at AARC (Asheville Anime Regional Convention)

Ani-maze-me: AARC (Asheville Anime Regional Convention) Review ...

Click on the link above to see how Heiwa dealt with diabetes and security at the anime convention in Asheville. This is very sad. :/

Prepared For War, And Then....

I went to bed a few nights back. After dealing with a lot of overnight lows previously, I grabbed two juice boxes and several fruit snacks. I proceeded to show my ammunition to my mom and my Tay-dar and tell them "I am prepared for war."

Well.

Diabetes laughed.

I definitely did not need any of the ammunition I had prepared. My blood sugar was high all night, and I didn't realize why until 6:30 the next morning. Autumn (my Tay-Dar) woke me up and we smelled insulin. My blood sugar was in the 300s until that time because my site had fallen out in my sleep. Diabetes was also prepared for war. A little better than I was, apparently.

Naturally, that meant that my day started at 6:30 am. I'm actually not going to complain about that, because my days are usually better when they start then.

I guess I'm just posting this to remind myself and my readers how unpredictable diabetes is. I thought I knew what was going to happen, but diabetes proved me wrong. It's also a little scary when I know that I was only 184 by the time 6:30 came around--all of the insulin I was trying to give myself all night was on my bed, it was not in my body. Somehow, it dropped from 300+ on its own. That's very scary to me... It is predictably unpredictable, anyway. I've been good overnight so far since then, but I'm still waking up so I can make sure it stays that way.

My Favorite Disney Characters

The shows we watch as kids teach us a lot. We find ourselves connecting to characters on different levels because of where we are in our lives. Most often, the movies teach us to fight for what we believe in and they teach us how to be strong (especially if you are female).

Well, the cartoons I watched as a kid taught me a lot about diabetes too. Some things I didn't even understand until here recently. Please let me share with you what I learned from some of my favorite Disney and other cartoon characters.

Stitch, from Lilo and Stitch

"Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten."

Stitch taught me how to tame my little monster. He was created to be evil, but he found a way to be good instead. I kind of relate my diabetes to him sometimes. He was very misunderstood and so am I. He found people that loved him and made him family, and he loved them enough to try. I'm strong enough to find a way to fight my evil, too.

Dory, from Finding Nemo

"Just keep swimming."

I love that. Dory showed me soooo many things about life, just by this one quote! When I'm having a rough day with diabetes and I feel like I can't take it anymore, I pray and I remind myself: "what do we do? We swim, swim!" This character has helped me get through so many rough days. She taught me how to fight with a smile. 

Elsa, from Frozen

"Let it go." 

"Don't let them in don't let them see." Okay, so maybe I don't have dangerously awesome ice powers that could potentially kill people. But I definitely have something inside me that I've tried to hide on more than one occasion. I used to try to keep it locked up so no one had to see what I struggle with. If I don't struggle, that makes me strong. Right? Wrong. Everyone struggles. We just struggle differently. Elsa taught me to "let it go," because I'm happier when I don't have to worry about being a perfect diabetic. I worry about enough as is, I shouldn't have to worry about being perfect on top of it. I read this thing one time about her... apparently the movie was originally scripted with Elsa as the bad guy. One of the production people had a child with Type 1 Diabetes, and the child related Elsa's loneliness to their own. I cannot tell you how true that is. We feel alone. Like no one understands what we go through sometimes. I know that my family helps me get through everything, and I can't be more grateful, but they will never know first-hand how it feels. I never want them to, but it still makes me feel alone.

Kayley and Garrett, from Quest for Camelot

"You don't know my daughter." 

I actually learned a lot from these two! This is one of my favorite movies. If you haven't seen it, Kayley is very stubborn and Garrett is very blind. What did Garrett teach me? I can do whatever I want to, despite my disability. I could even live in an evil enchanted forest and "share my world with no one else, all by myself, I stand alone." I don't want to, but I could. I'm strong enough to do that. What did Kayley teach me? Two things. First: It is okay to ask for help. She needed Garrett, and he needed her. They make such a good team and they are only complete when they are together. Second: Momma has faith in you, even when she makes you feel like she doesn't. The mother daughter relationship in the movie is beautiful. When Kayley escapes to save Camelot, someone tells her mother that she'll never make it. The response is amazing. "You don't know my daughter." I imagine that is what Mom says when someone doesn't think I can handle diabetes. "You don't know my daughter." 

Belle and Beast, from Beauty and the Beast

"The Beast" isn't always so bad.

Initially, Belle was terrified. But she soon learned that "the Beast" wasn't really a beast at all. That teaches me exactly what Disney intended to teach me. Just because people look different doesn't mean they are evil. Or however you want to word it. But it also teaches me that there is nothing wrong with me, just because I am different from a lot of people. I need to treat others with respect and know that they are people, but I need to not expect people to treat me differently because I am a diabetic. My beast does not define me.

Anastasia

Actually, I can.

Sometimes I may not do it gracefully. But yes, I can. Anastasia taught me that I can fight, despite the fact that I'm a girl. Sometimes girls are stronger than guys! She had some pretty tough circumstances to overcome, but she definitely beat the odds. Not always gracefully, but she did. She taught me not to give up, kind of like Dory, but she also taught me that it's okay to be me while I do that. I'm not graceful all the time. No one is. Perfection is impossible and overrated. I'm beautiful, despite my issues. I'm strong, despite my weaknesses. I'm capable, despite my incapability. I can, despite how hard I will have to fight to achieve it. 

Tow Mater, from Cars

"What's wrong with rusty cars?"

There is obviously something different about me. It can make me feel like less of a person, or like I'm just occupying space. I'm broken. I'm not like you. But what's wrong with rusty cars? There is nothing wrong with me, regardless of how different I am. I can definitely have fun with my different-ness! I don't have to feel like I'm just occupying space and I'm a waste, because there's nothing wrong with my kind of brokenness. It's just broken differently than everyone else. I'm still working, and I'm still a person. I don't deserve to be treated like less of a person because of my disability, and I shouldn't allow people to see me that way.

I'm sure there are plenty of other characters that have taught me things. I just can't think of any right now! :) I think a lot of them kind of repeated themselves, but they each taught me individual lessons about my brokenness and how "normal" I am. They taught me how I should be treated, and that I shouldn't settle for anything less than respect. They taught me how to be strong. 

God taught me all of this, obviously, but He chose to use these characters in a lot of ways to do that. 

When Insulin Doesn't Work

I was following my Tay-dar into school Monday. I was wearing flip-flops and she was wearing her boots. Well, I walked into the back of her boots while she was taking a step forward. My left toenail caught her shoe and it split down the middle (but only about half way).

Autumn had some band-aids on her, so I wrapped up my toe because it was bleeding like crazy. I took some ibuprofen too. She was testing and we were waiting on her, so it was about 4 hours later that we actually went home.

Usually that kind of thing will send my blood sugar sky high and leave it there until my body heals. I was very blessed on Monday, because the highest I went was about 220. I was able to keep my sugar mostly under control. The ibuprofen must have helped quite a bit.

That's one of the unknown truths about diabetes. Any kind of physical pain can cause my diabetes to go crazy. The small injury on my toe usually leads to at least a few days of high blood sugars that don't respond to insulin. I have to take care of the injury before insulin will help me. If I am sick, I have to remember to take medicine to keep my sugar down. Otherwise insulin is useless. The same applies to emotions. If I am frustrated or stressed out, diabetes responds to my situation. Unless I can calm myself down, insulin will not help. Yes, insulin is amazing and it is a complete game changer in this war with my little monster. But the game changes eternally more when my body doesn't respond to it. That's something that people don't often think about. Insulin is not a cure by any means. Sometimes, depending on the situation, it doesn't even work the way it is supposed to.

Insulin isn't completely helpful when....

• I'm sick, as I mentioned above.
• I'm emotionally distraught, as I've mentioned above.
• there is some kind of physical injury on my body, no matter how small. 
• the insulin is weak, warm, or out of date. 
• there are air bubbles in my tubing (the insulin could be working fine, but I'm only getting air). 
• my site is getting old.
• my cannula has kinked (once again, the insulin could be fine, I'm just not getting any). 
• it has been through several temperature shifts (i.e., the pharmacist didn't put it in the fridge, but we did when we got home. Yes, that has actually happened before).

Please don't assume that I am fine, just because I have insulin. It saves my life everyday, but it isn't a cure and it shouldn't be treated like one. There are still some things I have to work around when it comes to diabetes. 

I Actually Slept Good Last Night!

Okay, so two things and some random notes. 

First: it took until 4am, but my blood sugar finally straightened out so I could sleep last night. 

Second: it is impossibly hard to get a picture of my dexcom with the light on... 

So I don't usually sleep very well if my blood sugar is out of range. I even feel sick in my sleep, so if  I am high I wake up. If I happen to be low, I'm lucky if I wake up. I usually do though, because I feel like I am falling. 

Well since my doctor's appointment I have been running weird numbers overnight. I haven't slept much. That's okay, though. It's actually normal for me to have off numbers after I make any adjustments to my insulin intake, until my body gets used to it. I guess last night my body finally decided it had had enough. So at about 4 am, it straightened out from the high streak and I actually slept well! I feel more rested now than I have in a while. 

Yes, that is something my little monster affects that people don't usually think about. Sleep is a precious thing, but it works different for me. If I am not in range, I can't even sleep until it gets better. This is literally a 24/7 full-time job with NO vacation or sick days. It completely changes your life. 

Well I was going to post a picture of my dexcom to show you that it finally went down, but I am writing this from my somewhat outdated iPod and it won't allow me to upload the pictures :) 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please like and share to raise awareness with me!

Bad Day.

CAN WE JUST NOT TODAY, DIABETES?

I have been battling with 300 since about 11 am! I am so tired of diabetes right now! The honest truth is I feel like I've been hit by a truck, and I'm irritated enough that I'm not very fun to be around. This is mostly because of a site that I waited too long to change. But the longer I waited to change it, the higher my blood sugar went and it stayed there. I got irritated that it wouldn't come down, and that made matters worse. It won't come down if I'm irritated. I had to calm myself down, but it still didn't come down until 12 hours after it spiked. 

It's no fair when it throws me a wildcard... 

I ran today to try to get it down. I had a TON of insulin, both with a shot and with my pump. I took medicine. I did everything I could have, and it would not behave. 

I even drove in town to meet a friend before it went up so high. I had to call my Mom and Tay-dar to come get me! That makes me feel like an inconvenient failure.  

Yes, God is good. All the time. Even when my sugar won't behave. But sometimes I have a hard time dealing with my little monster. Still, I'd rather it be me than you. 

Thank you for letting me rant a little. 

My Endo Report for Today

So I got to see my endocrinologist today. I usually stress those visits because I'm never sure how they are going to go. The past several times have gone really well and I've been very happy with my doctors (for the most part). I still get nervous though. No one likes to feel like a "bad diabetic" because of a doctors visit, and I get that a lot. Not recently though. I actually have a bunch of awesome things to say about today's visit!

A1C Report!!

6.9! :) 

For those of you who don't know what an A1C is, it is basically an average of my blood sugars for the past three months. A 6.9 A1C is the equivalent of about a 150 average for my blood sugars. That is fantastic! I'm so excited about that! Especially with the struggles I've been having lately! I've been bouncing back and forth between a 6.9 and a 7.2 A1C for the past several visits. I'm pleased with that.

Report on the ongoing insurance battle (i.e., World War D).

So we  had to change insurance companies this year, and Dad added me to his insurance. Now I am on the State Health insurance plan. That's a good thing, because it pays for a lot of my stuff. The bad part is, all of the arguing we had done with the previous insurance company to get enough of my supplies has been completely undone. We have had to go through everything again. To make it worse, my favorite nurse that always handled all of the paperwork no longer works at the office I go to and no one knows how to handle the insurance companies like she did. I'm forced to start all over, as if I'd never done any arguing to begin with. That is extremely stressful. 

Well, they don't want to pay for all the insulin I need. I usually get three vials of it, but the new insurance company only pays for two (and a half, but the pharmacy isn't going to give me half a vial of insulin...). They do the same thing with my strips. They'll pay for them, they just won't pay for enough of them if the prescription isn't written properly. Both my "diabetes educator" and my pharmacist have been battling with me to get enough supplies since we switched insurances.

Today, we saw a different diabetes educator than we usually see, and she did something wonderful. She gave me 200 "sample" strips and two brand new meters, because they are supposed to be more accurate than the meter I have been using. The second meter is to leave in my bag, so if I ever forget my meter at work (guilty...) I have a spare until I can get it back. She also is fighting with the insurance company to get the new strips covered, and to get as many as I need. She figured out the insulin problem before we ever left the office, so I will have enough insulin now. 

But do you want to know what the most amazing part of my visit today was? Neither my doctor nor the diabetes educator talked at me about my disease. They listened to me. They let me tell them what was going on, and they responded to my needs better than I've had anyone do in a long time. I'm so blessed by good doctors! 

I got a little excited about all of the supplies.... 

so I took a picture.

This is only 1 month worth of supplies. Dexcom sets, pen needles, test strips, meter (plus my spare meter). This doesn't include my minimed pump supplies, and it doesn't include the insulin that I keep in the fridge. It also doesn't include the pens themselves. This is the spot I have reserved on my bookshelf for all the diabetes supplies I get, I just haven't put my minimed supplies on it yet. Actually, I didn't have the money to order it yet this month...

I could not be happier with my doctors today!!! I'm so blessed to be able to report my Endo visit like this! :) 

When Diabetes is Behaving...

I don't even know what to write about today. My sugar is actually behaving like it should....

So I'm going to celebrate for now, and I will let you know if anything changes! :)

I feel like this is a trap. 

Diabetes is INCONVENIENT.

Non-diabetic: "How did you sleep?" 

Me: "I'm a diabetic!" 

I didn't sleep at all last night because I was fighting with my highs and lows. I kept bouncing between 180 and 50 (I'm still only at 54, and it is 5:55am). I'm not even entirely sure why that happened, since I ate dinner a little later than I should have and everything! 

I had a rough time at work yesterday because my little monster kept demanding attention. I was 285 when I clocked in at 1:30, but by 2:30 I was only 70. It dropped from there and I stayed at about 60 for a while. I set a temporary basal of 1.0 unit per hour, which is .2 lower than my normal basal. When I went to break I had to eat a total of 156 carbs before it would go up. The scary part is I only bolused for 41 of those carbs, and I never went above 150. I had dropped back to 70 by the time I got home. 

What did I eat? 

1. I had an entire Cherry Coke = 70 grams
2. I had a bowl of broccoli cheese rice = 41 grams (which is what I got insulin for)
3. I had to have TWO boxes of apple juice = 30 grams
4. I had a grape juice/soda thing = 15 grams.
5. Total = 70+30+41+15=156 grams before my sugar would even move. I didn't get insulin until it started going up.

So that was all before I got home at 7 pm, and then it started again. I dropped back to 70, so I drank some more Cherry Coke because it was what I had in my hands. Then I had a fruit snack, I think. I honestly can barely remember most of yesterday. 

After I had my snack we had to leave because Mom had to bring Dad's dinner to work. My blood sugar stayed at about 118 until 9:30 pm when we had our own late dinner. I got an omelette to make sure it would stay below 180 until morning. Usually, if I eat something with more carbs than that I spike and it doesn't like to come down. That was not the case last night. 

We went to Walmart for some things before we went home. It started dropping again at about 11 pm, and by midnight I was only 50. I sat down in the benches by the restrooms and waited for Mom to checkout, I had a juice that she bought and a fruit snack. 

I went to bed when I got home, but I couldn't sleep because it felt like I was dropping. Initially, my sugar actually went up a little bit. I was at about 190 and my dexcom alerted me. I got .7 unit of insulin and rolled over to try to go back to sleep, but I never could because I still felt like I was dropping. And now I've been fighting with low blood sugars since 4:30 am, having eaten two fruit snacks and had a cup of apple juice. I've lowered my basal, too, which means I'm getting less insulin than I normally get.

I'm actually really proud of the way that I handled that, though. A lot of times I'll force myself to go back to work or sleep or home or whatever my goal was before I discovered the low. Yesterday and today, I said no and I meant it. I felt bad for making my family wait for me, but I had to make sure I went above 70 before I got up. That's my rule at work when I drop. If it isn't above 70, I can't go back to work because it drops too fast. So even though I felt bad, I followed my safety rule and waited. It went up in about 20 minutes. I can't force myself to go back to sleep when it's low, so I've learned. I don't really want to die, so I have to wait until it goes up before I can be unconscious. Today I just gave up and started my day. 

Lesson learned.

DIABETES IS INCONVENIENT.

Predictably Unpredictable Today

Sometimes diabetes is unpredictable, no matter how hard you try to control it. For me, that was the case last night and today.

My insulin pump kept giving me the "No Delivery" warning when Dad bought us dinner last night. Basically, that means that it isn't doing its only job and delivering insulin to my body. Usually there is a kink in the tubing or a problem with the tubing inside my body when I get that warning.

It took me several tries and playing with the tubing to get insulin for dinner, but when I checked my sugar later I was 364. That tells me that I didn't get enough insulin for dinner regardless of how much the pump thought was delivered. I was able to get my blood sugar down eventually, but it took me all night to get it back in range. I've been sick, too, so it spikes unless I stay on the medicine (which I may or may not have forgotten to take).

I checked my sugar at 9:30 this morning and I was finally 101, almost perfect. I got out of bed and took my synthroid (thyroid medication) like I always do, but it didn't take long before my sugar started rising. I didn't eat until 11, and my sugar was already over 150.

Even though I got insulin for my meal, my blood sugar continued to rise. I checked my sugar after meeting with one of my pastors at church and I was 285 (and rising rapidly, according to the dexcom). That was at 11:45. There is a park behind my church, so I went and played on the swings until my sugar was within driving range so that I could meet my friends at the movies. At this point, I was very close to canceling because I did not feel good at all.

I used my pump to get insulin, but playing on the swings should have initiated a drop in blood sugar. It did, and my pump decided to work (I wonder if I had an air bubble?) so my sugar was within driving range by 12:30. I made it to the movies without any other issues, but when the movie started to get interesting my dexcom let me know that I was low and dropping. I was about to dig through my bag for a fruit snack when my friend and I were told we had to evacuate the building because of a bomb threat. (Which is not abnormal these days for anywhere in Morganton, NC). That drove my blood sugar even lower, since I was slightly freaked out by it.

I never went below 55, but I had to walk someplace close with my friend to get a meal before I could drive home. I was afraid to eat because I didn't know how diabetes would react to that. I remembered my medicine today, though! And I'm thankful that my friend didn't leave until my blood sugar was back in driving range. I was able to drive home after I ate my meal, and my blood sugar is 140 as I'm typing this. I guess the medicine was the key to the blood sugars.

Please say a prayer that I can maintain the good blood sugars, especially while I'm sick. Sometimes even when I don't feel the illness as bad, my little monster still knows it's there. That makes things 1000 times worse than it already is.

Not so fun fact: Diabetes is predictably unpredictable. Always.

Confession...

Okay. So I have a confession to make. And I don't like it.

Confession: I feel like I have just been diagnosed. I'm actually going in and out of stages of denial at this point, too.

Because I was diagnosed at 10 months old, my parents took care of the diabetes. Well, they did most of the care until about two years ago (when I turned 18 and decided I wanted to do it by myself). It's so weird for me to say this, but it feels like I was just diagnosed. I go in and out of stages of denial and depression etc. I didn't realize how much work was involved in this crazy disease until I started doing it all.

I have to log my blood sugars now. That's something that Mom always did. It kind of sucks because it's time consuming. It also kind of sucks because it is necessary. If I can see a pattern with my blood sugars, then I know what to look for and correct. I do have to say, since I got my dexcom and it is working properly that is a lot easier! I used to have to log it all by hand from my meter. If I do it right, I have to include what I've eaten and everything, so it should happen at least once a day.

I have to count my carbs. That is probably my least favorite chore. I know better now what I should and shouldn't be eating, because I'm the primary caregiver. I actually have to eat, even when I'm not hungry, at certain times of the day. There is a food schedule I have to stay on, otherwise the roller coaster begins and it doesn't end for a long time. I have also noticed that my blood sugar stays in better range when I eat more along the lines of a Paleo Diet (no grains or dairy). I have an abnormal reaction to gluten and lactose. My blood sugar will spike and it stays in the 200s-400s for several days. Now that I'm my own primary caregiver, all of that is stuff I am forced to consider every second of every day.

I have to calculate my own insulin, without much help or instruction. That's a really big deal. If I miscalculate and give too much, and don't catch it later, I'll die from a low blood sugar. If I miscalculate and don't give enough, I could end up in DKA or diabetic coma. That will either kill me, or give me additional life-long problems to deal with. I honestly had to get used to calculating insulin on my own. I had to figure out more than just carb ratios that. I had to figure out how much to give if I'm high, or how much to eat and correct for if I'm low. That is a constant battle.

I am responsible for making sure my blood sugar is in range so that I can drive, sleep, work, etc. I have to be between 80 and 180--and steady--before I am comfortable driving anywhere. I don't trust myself behind the wheel if I am outside of that range. This causes problems, Driving to someplace I might be fine, but that can change by the time I have to drive home. I have had to call someone to rescue me on more than one occasion because I could not get my blood sugar back in that range. Working brings in some more difficulties, If it is a busy day, my blood sugar has run low enough that I need a long break and I have to stop my pump. But if it is a slow day, I can't seem to keep my sugar down. Regardless of whether or not I can drive when my shift is over, these highs and lows are very dangerous to my health. Immediate health, and long-term health are at risk with these fluctuations.

There's a list of things I have to do before I can go to sleep at night. If my sugar is low, I have to make sure that it is brought up before I go to sleep. IT doesn't matter how tired I am, I cannot sleep if my sugar stays low. That could be the last bad decision I make. If my sugar is high, I have to make sure it is in range or dropping before I can sleep. If I see that it is dropping and I choose to go to sleep, I have to set a clock for about an hour or two later to make sure it is still dropping or it is in range. If it isn't in range, I set another alarm. It's worse than a child, because there in no benefit to it. It's more like my little monster.

I have to be more careful about my emotions now. Emotions drive my blood sugars wild, so if I am not careful with how I react or respond to things, my health is in danger. If I put myself in a stressful situation for a prolonged period of time, there is no telling what will happen to my blood sugars. If something happens that makes me very sad, diabetes reacts to that. If I make a decision I am not happy with and I feel regret for it, it does not escape diabetes' grasp. If I am too tired, or feeling sick, or even too happy my disease knows and it reacts to my emotions.

I have to inform everyone I'm around that I am not "normal." Especially on a job interview, I have to let my potential employers know that I have some special needs. If they aren't comfortable with that, then I have to look for a different opportunity. I have to get to know my friends very well before I go and do anything without my Tay-Dar. The better they know me, the more they catch the things that I am likely to miss. I have to inform my school and my teachers that I have some special needs, too, and I have to make sure that they accommodate those appropriately. (Basically, that means not getting angry if I have to check my blood sugar in class, get insulin or eat something to correct a low.) Because I do this all without help, I just have to make sure that they will allow me to do so. Sometimes this is a challenge.

Actually, I'll even admit that some days I don't have diabetes. Diabetes has me. Some days I let it get to me and it destroys me from the inside out. Literally. It's not like I haven't been doing this forever. It's just that I'm doing it myself now, so it all comes back on me. The thing with the emotions is a big deal, because I'm the one protecting me. People have no idea how much my little monster effects me, and they get mad when I put my little monster first. But I am the only one who is responsible for whether I live or die because of diabetes.

It's a lot to handle, so I'm thankful for the support I get from my friends and family. Especially the ones that I let close enough to find out how much I am struggling with it.

How Do You Hide Your Dexcom/Pump?

Random Fact: Little, expensive things like to fall out of pockets.

I lost a dexcom one time. My first one. I had had it for about 6 months, and then poof! It fell out of my pocket while I was at school, and I didn't hear it hit the ground. If someone found it, they never returned it to me despite my efforts to find my dexcom. (If you're reading this, I would still like it back, please!)

After I looked for a long time and put up fliers all over my county, I gave up hope and assumed that someone found it and threw it away when they found out it wasn't an iPod or MP3 player. (Dear Dexcom, smooth design!) Thank God, Dexcom has a one-time mercy fee of $200 for the replacement! I got a new one when I had the money, and I've taken better care of it since then. 

I've discovered, though, it is really amazing how often these things fall out of pockets. After I noticed how easy it was to lose it again, I had to get more creative with how I store it. There is a multitude of places to put this little thing! You don't have to resort to a pocket, and I DO NOT recommend that idea unless the pocket can be sealed somehow.

"Sooo.... how do you hide your dexcom?"

My little sister is amazingly creative with sewing and costume design, so I asked her to fix something for me. She sewed little pockets on the inside of some tank tops, but she made it so I could put a button or some Velcro on the top to seal it. Walmart sells the tank tops for about $2, and they have these fantastic little squares of fabric in fun colors that were the perfect size. It was an inexpensive way to fix my problem! :)  I've included a picture of the finished product. I turned the shirt inside out so you could see the little pocket. (This doesn't work for insulin pumps, because the pump is too bulky for the pocket placed here.) I have a few where the pocket is around the bottom of the shirt, and I like that placement better. It's easier to get to and there are usually less people staring at me when I try to get it out.

I usually have a little case that I can stick my dexcom in and clip to something. It is usually clipped to the waistband on whatever pants or skirt I am wearing. Because the dexcom is slim, people rarely notice it. I rarely notice it, too, which is good. It can get annoying if it keeps getting in the way when I'm trying to move my arm. The pouch is a good alternative to hiding the dexcom away in clothing, for sure. The only problem seems to be finding one that isn't magnetic, since that will hurt the dexcom. I've got one that has Velcro on it, so I'm set for now. I'll probably cry when it breaks though.

In some circumstances, I just don't want to have the pouch or case clipped onto me. I feel like concealing my dexcom a little better than that, so I get a little more creative. I have stuck it in my boots a time or two. As long as there is enough room in the boots that it won't slip under my feet and be crushed, I'm okay with letting it rest there. It doesn't hurt my feet or ankles and it isn't uncomfortable. I got that idea when I was with a friend and she took money out of her shoe, instead of keeping it elsewhere. I was wondering why she didn't have a purse... 

I've also slide my dexcom in my backpack or diabetes-bag, depending on the circumstances. If I don't forget that it is in my bag and walk away from it for too long, then I'm safe! I usually do this for church or school, because it will yell at me if my sugar is too far off and it's easier if it is out of the way completely. Also, it's kind of nice to not have it attached to me. I don't have that freedom with my insulin pump. 

For FEMALES, it is actually a really good idea to buy a corset, even if it is a size "too big," and you can slide your dexcom in the bottom of that. It holds it just tight enough that it isn't going anywhere, but it isn't uncomfortable and it isn't crushing the dexcom. I use this as a tool a lot, especially for cosplay purposes.

Sometimes, I give my dexcom to my Tay-Dar or someone else that I trust (that has big coat pockets!). I wouldn't recommend just giving it away to anyone, but handing it to my sister so she can stick it in her coat pockets and zip it up is fine. She rarely leaves my side, so my dexcom doesn't go anywhere far. The same is true for my mother. 

Sometimes, when you can ensure that it isn't going anywhere, it's okay to stick it in a scarf. I do this occasionally. It holds it like a baby when it's done right, so the dexcom doesn't fall or go anywhere. It's also hidden pretty well in those cases. I'm a little afraid to do this too often, so I don't overuse this tool. I'm afraid I'll get complacent with it and just drop it in the scarf, but miss the fact that it fell right through. If you're going to try this, make sure you pay attention to how it's being held. 

If I'm hanging out around the house, or if I am at work (sometimes), I can leave my dexcom on a desk somewhere near me. It yells at me when my sugar is off, but it is otherwise out of the way. At work, especially in the fitting room, I can leave it hidden with my kit (or in my kit) so no one messes with it. I'm never far enough away from it to be out of range or out of sight, so I don't worry about someone taking it either.

"But then how do you hide the pump? Isn't it attached to you?" 

Yes, yes it is. The insulin pump is attached by a tubing that is a doorknob magnet, so that makes it even harder to hide. It doesn't usually fall out of pockets or anything like that. When it does, it hurts like crazy because the needle in my skin lets me know right away (same with the doorknobs). That makes it a pain--literally. I've been hiding my pump since I was five, though, so I've gotten pretty good at that. Pockets are for the weak, non-creative souls. It can become quite a challenge to come up with somewhere else to put it, but THE CHALLENGE HAS BEEN ACCEPTED! 

I use my sister's fantastic little hidden pockets when they are on the bottom of the shirt, so it isn't too bulky. I only do that when I'm wearing something that has no other options. I don't like resorting to those, because the pump feels heavy in them and it makes me a little uncomfortable. It's perfect for the dexcom, but not my minimed pump.

The corset idea is one I use a lot for my pump, because it doesn't get in the way and it isn't uncomfortable for me at all. Also, the tubing only allows it to go so far from it's insertion site, so the corset is a pretty central location. It doesn't pull and it is pretty easy to get to unless I am wearing a dress. (In case you were wondering, I came up with this idea when I had to figure out where to put my pump when I went to prom. I couldn't just stick it in my purse, like I can with the dexcom, unless I wanted to be attached to the purse too.) If I am wearing a dress, I'll have to go to a restroom or private room to pull my pump out. If I'm wearing a t-shirt and jeans, however, it is easy to just pull it out of the bottom of my shirt. It conceals the pump and me, so to speak.

If my insertion site is in the arm, it makes hiding my pump a little more difficult. I can't even resort to a pocket in this case, because it doesn't reach that far. When I got older, I actually started sticking my pump in my bra. This is good when it's not too hot outside (for obvious reasons). It works best if you're wearing a sports bra, because the pump stays a little better without falling through. Just watch out for doorknobs.

If my insertion site is in the leg, sometimes I can stick my pump in my shoe. That's harder to do, though, because the pump is heavy and bulky. It ends up being very uncomfortable and I have to move it. 

I like to clip it to my leg if I'm wearing a skirt or a cosplay where it is appropriate. For example, you can get pouches from minimed that strap around your thigh and you can put the pump in that. It just so happens that one of my favorite cosplays (Hinata Hyuga--don't judge me she was an easy cosplay) has a pouch she wears there as well! I use that to my advantage. My Tay-Dar is also very good at making these pouches because of her cosplay skills. When I was younger those pouches from minimed didn't fit me very well, but as I got older they fit better. The only problem is the Velcro doesn't stay for as long as I'd like it to. It's probably because I need to replace the pouch, but I'm cheap so I don't want to. This option works awesome if I'm wearing a dress or skirt and my insertion site is in the leg. It could definitely work for the arm, too, but I haven't tried that in a while.

Sometimes I let my pump just be free. I like to do this when I'm at home studying or when I'm trying to sleep. It doesn't pull on the tubing as much as if I try to stick it somewhere and the tubing doesn't get tangled. I obviously can't just let it go when I'm doing anything active, but if I'm laying around or sitting down then it's okay to just set it beside me. As long as I don't forget when I stand up. I'll be reminded very quickly if I do that. 

The scarf thing works with the insulin pump, too. I'm a little more afraid of putting that in my scarf, because it is heavier. I've done it a couple of times though. It works when my site is in my arm and it doesn't reach to go elsewhere. 

I've clipped my pump onto the back of my shirt a couple of times, using the case that minimed sent with it. I don't like doing that a lot, though, because it is uncomfortable when I'm sitting down and I can't always reach it when I need to. I got that idea from watching Big Brother and watching where they put their microphones. That was pretty genius for the microphones, and occasionally for the pump, but it doesn't always work out so well. 

If I am wearing a button up shirt, sometimes they have pockets on the top. I like to put my pump in those, too. Yes, it is a pocket, but it isn't a common pocket! So it doesn't count! 

Where else can you think of putting these devises to hide them? Or if you wouldn't hide them, why not and where do you put them then? 

Bonus!

Photo shoot--find my dexcom! :)

Find my insulin pump, too, if you think you can! 

Hint: It's definitely in one of the spots I explained above!

Dexcom isn't in picture, but the Pump is! 

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, AMERICA!

Things NOT TO SAY to a Type 1!

Reminder: DIABETES IS AN INDIVIDUAL DISEASE.

That means that two people with the disease can be affected totally differently. That one fact is not very well known, and it makes things very difficult sometimes. Especially when people make comments about care, treatment, habits or anything else that a type 1 is doing. They're always trying to help, but they don't usually know how EVERYTHING affects the diabetic. 

I respect people who are trying to help me, but sometimes it makes me feel like they think I don't know how to take care of myself. That is hurtful. So in light of that, I thought I'd write about some of the things I DO NOT like to hear. Unless people know me (personally) well enough to know what affects me... 

1.  What's your blood sugar?
   I hate this one. It makes me wonder what I did, and it makes me feel stupid. Always! I know that for most people that's not the intention, but I literally feel stupid every time someone that is not close to me asks me this question. Probably because I can act pretty stupid when my sugar isn't right, and I know that. So knowing that, I wonder what I did that made them think I am stupid. I don't think anything is worse than when people see me as less of a person (or stupid) because of my disease. 
2. You can't eat that, you're a diabetic.
   I assure you, I am completely aware that I am a diabetic. That does not mean that I cannot eat. I just have to be a little bit more careful than a lot of people. I can eat everything you can, and if you tell me not to, 9 times out of 10 I will eat it anyway just because you told me not to. I know what the consequences of my actions are and how different foods affect me--most people do not. So it drives me crazy when people think that they know enough about diabetes or me to tell me what I can and cannot eat. 
3. Have you eaten?
   Me: No, Mom, I haven't eaten. Sometimes I'm just not hungry. (I am actually talking to my mother, I'm not being disrespectful. Sort of.)
   Mom: Taylor, you are not allowed to go out on any more unchaperoned dates unless you will actually eat. Either I'm having a talk with your date, or I'm going with you so I can feed you when you are stubborn.
   Me: *Forces food when not hungry*
   Seriously, though. I hate when people ask if I have eaten if they are not close to me. I know when I'm supposed to eat, and I'm on a really weird food schedule because of jobs. If I eat off of my schedule, it messes up my diabetes in an terrible way. I don't like having to explain my food schedule to people. Also, if I have eaten that conversation usually leads to "You shouldn't have eaten that, you're a diabetic." 
4. I'd rather have you high than low.
   I've seriously had teachers and extended family members say that to me. What they really mean is, "I would rather have you high so that there is no possibility of you being low." Do you realize how that feels? They say that and then feed me when my sugar is perfectly normal--or try to, I don't do that anymore. But they do it because they're afraid of the immediate consequences of a low. No one considers the long-term consequences of the highs that I will have to deal with after they're no longer responsible for me. Also, having high blood sugars means that I am very ill. I feel so sick when my sugar is consistently high that I can't function properly. It's like they think that being high will not affect me at all, but people who do not know me do not understand. 
5. Oh, yeah. I know about diabetes. My best friend in kindergarten had diabetes.
   Just because someone you have not spoken to in 30 years had the same disease that I do does not mean you know diabetes. It doesn't even mean that you knew your friend's diabetes. It means that you have been around the public part of the disease. There is a lot of stuff that happens "behind the scenes" that you don't even want to think about. 
6. Hey, do you want to go do.... ANYTHING SPONTANEOUS.
   I actually have to plan around things I have to make sure that my sugar is going to behave and I have to make sure that there will be someone there that can take care of me in case it doesn't. Anytime I have something going on, there is a lot of planning involved. Especially if I have to drive. Just because my sugar is good right now, does not mean that it will be good when I have to drive home. 
7. Yeah, you can do that. Just don't tell your parents.
   There are so many reasons this bothers me, but diabetically speaking, my disease will tell on me. Just because I don't tell my parents I had that piece of cake when my blood sugar was already high does not mean that diabetes doesn't know it. It will make me sick for way too long to be worth it. This applies to so many different situations. 
8. Well, I bet diabetes doesn't bother you anymore since you've had it for so long.
   Diabetes will always bother me. It will not matter how long I've been dealing with it, it will always be hard. 
9. Shouldn't you have that under control by now? You've been dealing with it your whole life.
   That one makes me very upset. Not only are you reminding me I am a diabetic, you are also reminding me that I am terrible at it. Or at least you think I'm terrible at it. Fun fact for you: there is no such thing as "under control," it doesn't matter how long you've had diabetes. It will be eternally unpredictable. I'm doing the best I can, and unless you deal with it everyday like I do, you don't get to judge me on how "under control" I am. Not allowed. 
10. Hey, I heard that if you eat (...), your diabetes will be cured!
    Yeah, I saw that on pinterest too. There's a lot of truth to that whole "don't believe everything you see online" thing. There is no cure for my diabetes. It is treated with insulin, but insulin is not a cure.
11. You're fine, you have insulin. You're basically cured.
    No. Insulin is not a cure. Insulin is life support. Until the day when I can eat what I want, when I want, and not worry about it killing me in the middle of the night, I am not cured. Insulin makes the disease manageable, but it does not make me free. 
12. I hate needles. I couldn't live with that.
    Please don't remind me that I have a needle stuck in me 24/7 so that I can survive, and another one stuck in me to make it easier for me to manage the diabetes. Thanks. Also, I guarantee you that if you had diabetes, it wouldn't matter how you feel about needles. You would do what you have to in order to stay alive. It really sucks that there are needles involved, but it's better than sitting in a hospital room waiting to die. 

There are a ton of other things I hate to hear, but those are the ones I can think of right now. Please remember this if you know someone who is a diabetic. Try to think of how what you're saying might affect them, or how it will make them feel. That sounds dumb, but I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't think about how "I hate needles" makes me feel. It's also different depending on the person. In most cases, though, ask us. We don't usually bite and we like to tell people about our disease. Everything that you know about our disease makes life safer for us, so don't be afraid to ask questions.

Shout Out to the People Who Love Me

Sometimes, I can tell who really loves me. I mean, I know that my family loves me unconditionally. But sometimes my friends do things that I find completely mind blowing. That happened not too long ago.

One of my best friends sent me a message on facebook a few months ago and told me something very surprising. She had bought a test kit (meter, lancet, strips and all) and check her and her fiance's blood sugars with it. She did it to show support for me--and probably to see what it felt like. It was painful, because she had the lancing device on the highest setting (not that she knew that).

This was a really big deal for me, because I hadn't asked her to do that. I had wanted to start a "Finger Stick Challenge" like the Ice Bucket Challenge, but I didn't figure people would actually purposely stab themselves. I didn't know anything about what my friend was doing until after she did it and sent me the message. But do you know how that made me feel?

Not alone.

It made me feel more supported than almost anything else should could have done. Do you know why? November 14th is International Type 1 Diabetes Awareness day, and I always ask all of my friends and family to wear blue to raise awareness. The majority of them do not even do something as simple as wearing blue on that very important day. Because of that, it brought tears to my eyes to see how loved I am. It makes me feel like she's helping me fight this disease.

Yeah, I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But a little bit of encouragement can go a long way and that was very encouraging for me.

I'm not going to ask anyone to stab themselves to show support for all of us Type 1 Diabetics out there. I just wanted to share how awesome some people are, and how loved I feel because they aren't afraid to support for me.

Shout out to Alexis Randall and Michael Johnson. You two are amazing and I love you both! Thanks for the encouragement!

Vlog: Dexcom Sensor Insertion

Hello everyone! So I have discovered that not a lot of people know how the dexcom is inserted, so I thought I would show you!

This is my first ever video blog ("vlog"). Please forgive me if it is bad. :)

I kept saying "into the fat," but that's because I couldn't think of the right words for that. Really, you just have to make sure it doesn't go into muscle or nerves. Believe me, if you hit a nerve, YOU WILL HURT for the entire time the sensor is in! If you pinch the skin before you click it in, then you have a better chance at it not hurting.

I had to have Mom help me because I can't reach to do it in the arms. I can put it in myself if it is in the belly. We have put it in the back a few times, and that usually works out very well. It's difficult to find a spot sometimes, because I have needles going in me everywhere and my skin is very used.

I am thinking about doing a pump site insertion vlog as well, because a lot of people don't know how that works either. Some things you just have to see to understand.

Invisible Pain

I haven't written in a while, but there is a good reason for that. There is no simple, easy way to say exactly what has been going on. So I am just going to tell the truth: diabetically speaking.

Alright, so usually diabetes can come with a plethora of other autoimmune or endocrine diseases. I am blessed with hypothyroidism and hoshimoto's disease in addition to T1D (although neither are because of T1D).  Lots of people don't know what those are, so I'll explain them. (I also have potassium and iron deficiencies, but a lot of people know what that entails. If you don't, feel free to search it or send me an email and I will tell you all about the side effects of those!)

The thyroid gland controls hormones. When it is "broken," there are an overabundance of things that are also broken inside your body/mind. It is not as much of a physical disease as it is an emotional disease. Hypo-thyroidism happens when the thyroid gland does not work enough. Google defines it as "abnormally low activity of the thyroid gland, resulting in retardation of growth and mental development in children and adults." Hyper-thyroidism is the opposite, where the thyroid gland works too much. Hoshimoto's thyroiditis is defined as "a disorder in which the immune system turns against the body's own tissues. In people with Hashimoto's, the immune system attacks the thyroid." Each comes with a different set of side effects. In my case, I'll suffer from depression, anxiety, "brain fog," extreme fatigue, lack of sleep (not associated with the extreme fatigue. I will have one without the other), brittle hair and nails, an extreme lack of motivation and many other side effects. The longer the problem persists, the more of an issue it becomes. I was a very poor patient, so I was suffering from the majority of these side effects before I even realized that I had been forgetting to take my pill. It had been more than a month since I had taken a pill, so my disease was destroying me. Of course, because of everything that hoshimoto and hypothyroidism messes with, it was destroying my diabetes as well. My broken thyroid and broken pancreas made me feel incredibly "broken" spiritually, physically, and mentally. That's the fastest way to describe it. 

At the start of all of this, I was working two jobs and going to school full-time. That meant 40 hours a week of non-stop work, and an additional at least 20 hours of school work. That left very little time for me to tend to my disease. As you can imagine, diabetes DOES NOT like to be neglected. My sugar started a small, semi-controllable roller coaster. That wasn't too bad until I neglected my thyroid too. About two weeks into forgetting my medication, literally all of my free time was spent lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I had no motivation or desire to do anything else. I didn't even want to check facebook or do some other mindless activity. I just wanted to be left alone. Then my school work started slipping until I was two weeks behind in most of my classes, and I had to quit one of my jobs. After I did that, I realized that I was behind on medication. I started taking my pills again, but it's difficult for me to find a good time to take those. They have to be taken on an empty stomach and at least an hour before eating. My problem with that is I like food. I can't take it in the morning, because I have to eat breakfast to start my day properly (and I might wake up with a low blood sugar). But I can't take it at night, because it gives you a burst of energy that makes it impossible to sleep. Actually, at this point it shouldn't matter because I haven't slept more than three hours per night in about two weeks. I set a clock for 3am (ish) or I ask my parents to wake me up if they are still awake then. If I take my pill then, I don't have a problem going back to sleep. That works well.

Because hypothyroidism is even less known than diabetes, I want to be completely honest with how this is making me feel. People don't understand what it does to you. I didn't understand what it could do to me. So, knowing that, I want to share briefly what has been going on inside my head for the past month or so. Depression was a big problem, but that isn't really a great word for it. It's not like I had thoughts of suicide or anything like that. I just felt unnecessary, unwanted and like a waste of space. I felt no drive or ambition for anything. Getting out of bed felt completely impossible most days, and some days I would lay in bed until forced to move. I wasn't sleeping, I was just not wanting to be. Diabetes was all over the place because everything affects diabetes. That made me feel very sick a lot. My balance was completely gone and I had very little ability to judge distances. Not long distances, but like steps. Stairs are scary when you are having a hard time judging how far to lift your foot and your balance is off. I cried a lot. Not for any particular reason... I just couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. It was a slow decent into madness. Everything hurt, too. My legs, my sides, my arms and shoulders and head. By the time I got home from work, I would go straight back to bed because I was out of energy from faking happy. (Something I have learned, DO NOT EVER fake happy--at least not with loved ones.) Mom and my sister would get mad at me, or something, because they felt like they were getting leftovers of my time and my presence. In all honesty, everyone was getting leftovers. Even I was getting leftovers.

Actually, I can describe it all in one word.

Pain. 

Emotionally draining. Cognitively draining. Physically draining.

The physical pain did not bother me. I can deal with physical pain. It was the emotional misunderstanding that was so stressful. I don't like to not be in control of things, and I felt like I was completely out of control. 

I kind of had to learn that I'm never really in control I guess. God is. He uses diabetes and other things to remind me of that occasionally, and it was just time for another lesson. Everything became a lot clearer after I surrendered control to Him and stopped trying so hard. 

I'm getting back to "normal" now, so I have more desire and more ability. I don't have to fake happy anymore, so that's good. Some things I didn't even realize were wrong with me are starting to get better--like the distance I had begun to create between me and humanity. Sometimes you just can't even tell what's wrong either because it's a slow decent, or because there's so much wrong at one time. Whatever. I'm glad it is finally going away. 

I wanted to write about it for several reasons. First, because I wanted my readers to understand why I had been absent. Second, because no one really sees this kind of pain in people. Physical problems are easy for others to see, but it is the invisible pain that is usually underestimated or unseen. Adding to the problem, a lot of people do not know very much about diabetes or many other autoimmune diseases, such as hypothyroidism and hoshimoto's disease. If people don't know much about it, it is impossible for them to understand everything that the disease entails. 

***DISCLAIMER*** 

I don't want to write this for a pity party--PLEASE DO NOT PITY ME. Everyone has their own battles that they are fighting, so respect that. I just wanted to raise awareness as to what all these diseases can affect. 

Working With Diabetes

One of the more painful truths about living with diabetes is that it makes it difficult to find a job. There are several reasons for that. No employer wants to deal with the "special attention" a diabetic gets to have. Employers don't like to keep up with diabetes (especially brittle diabetes) after a diabetic is hired, either. They don't want to deal with an inconvenient low or high blood sugar, or with the possibility of an employee being dangerously low and passing out on the job. That has my experience so far--mind you, I've only worked in retail. I cannot even begin to fathom the difficulty in getting a job as a nurse, officer of any kind, "normal" 9-5 job, etc.

My first job wasn't so difficult, because I had known the manager from Church before I was hired. He also had another diabetic working for him, so he already knew how to handle diabetes in a work setting. That was a painless experience, for the most part. The problem had been trying to find a job in the first place. It took me 6 months to find someone who would hire me, mostly because employers feared my disease. 

After I left my first job, it took me 6 months to find a new job. I didn't know anyone at this second place, but I bothered the management until I got an interview and eventually they hired me. I worked there for only seven months because it totally destroyed my diabetes. They were not diabetes friendly at all, and they treated me like I could choose when my blood sugar bottomed out or went so high I could not function properly. If I had the choice, would I be a diabetic? Nope! My blood sugar used to drop low enough that my dexcom and meter could not read a number, and the management would still tell me I had to wait to take a break. It got to the point that I stopped telling them and just started going to the break room to get a snack (they would not let me keep food or a drink with me at first). One time the assistant manager followed me to the break room fussing at me about whatever was going on. To be honest, I don't even remember what he said because my sugar was that low. Someone figured out what was happening at work and called HR on management, but the problem persisted until it was even more dangerous. Needless to say, I am no longer employed there. 

Six months later, I am very happy where I am now! I enjoy the laid back environment and I love that my coworkers are all trying to learn about the diabetes. If they are nervous about it, they do not appear to be. That makes it easier to control anyway. I had shopped in this store several times before, so I kind of knew the employees. I just didn't know them on a personal level. My blood sugar finally straightened itself out from my second place of employment, and diabetes is not killing me where I am now. I am living a much healthier life compared to where I was before, and I am not stressed out at all. God has blessed me with employers who are not too misunderstanding of what diabetes means. 

I am not incapable! Although sometimes, especially to a potential employer, it does appear that way. I am completely capable of doing whatever I need to do, including working a job. I just have to fight 100 times harder (with some things) than "normal" people do. It's even more difficult when people refuse to give me a chance because they can't see past my disease. 

Just one more thing I want to say for now...