I haven't written in a while, but there is a good reason for that. There is no simple, easy way to say exactly what has been going on. So I am just going to tell the truth: diabetically speaking.
Alright, so usually diabetes can come with a plethora of other autoimmune or endocrine diseases. I am blessed with hypothyroidism and hoshimoto's disease in addition to T1D (although neither are because of T1D). Lots of people don't know what those are, so I'll explain them. (I also have potassium and iron deficiencies, but a lot of people know what that entails. If you don't, feel free to search it or send me an email and I will tell you all about the side effects of those!)
The thyroid gland controls hormones. When it is "broken," there are an overabundance of things that are also broken inside your body/mind. It is not as much of a physical disease as it is an emotional disease. Hypo-thyroidism happens when the thyroid gland does not work enough. Google defines it as
"abnormally low activity of the thyroid gland, resulting in retardation of growth and mental development in children and adults." Hyper-thyroidism is the opposite, where the thyroid gland works too much. Hoshimoto's thyroiditis is defined as "a disorder in which the immune system turns against the body's own tissues. In people with Hashimoto's, the immune system attacks the thyroid." Each comes with a different set of side effects. In my case, I'll suffer from depression, anxiety, "brain fog," extreme fatigue, lack of sleep (not associated with the extreme fatigue. I will have one without the other), brittle hair and nails, an extreme lack of motivation and many other side effects. The longer the problem persists, the more of an issue it becomes. I was a very poor patient, so I was suffering from the majority of these side effects before I even realized that I had been forgetting to take my pill. It had been more than a month since I had taken a pill, so my disease was destroying me. Of course, because of everything that hoshimoto and hypothyroidism messes with, it was destroying my diabetes as well. My broken thyroid and broken pancreas made me feel incredibly "broken" spiritually, physically, and mentally. That's the fastest way to describe it.
At the start of all of this, I was working two jobs and going to school full-time. That meant 40 hours a week of non-stop work, and an additional at least 20 hours of school work. That left very little time for me to tend to my disease. As you can imagine, diabetes DOES NOT like to be neglected. My sugar started a small, semi-controllable roller coaster. That wasn't too bad until I neglected my thyroid too. About two weeks into forgetting my medication, literally all of my free time was spent lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I had no motivation or desire to do anything else. I didn't even want to check facebook or do some other mindless activity. I just wanted to be left alone. Then my school work started slipping until I was two weeks behind in most of my classes, and I had to quit one of my jobs. After I did that, I realized that I was behind on medication. I started taking my pills again, but it's difficult for me to find a good time to take those. They have to be taken on an empty stomach and at least an hour before eating. My problem with that is I like food. I can't take it in the morning, because I have to eat breakfast to start my day properly (and I might wake up with a low blood sugar). But I can't take it at night, because it gives you a burst of energy that makes it impossible to sleep. Actually, at this point it shouldn't matter because I haven't slept more than three hours per night in about two weeks. I set a clock for 3am (ish) or I ask my parents to wake me up if they are still awake then. If I take my pill then, I don't have a problem going back to sleep. That works well.
Because hypothyroidism is even less known than diabetes, I want to be completely honest with how this is making me feel. People don't understand what it does to you. I didn't understand what it could do to me. So, knowing that, I want to share briefly what has been going on inside my head for the past month or so. Depression was a big problem, but that isn't really a great word for it. It's not like I had thoughts of suicide or anything like that. I just felt unnecessary, unwanted and like a waste of space. I felt no drive or ambition for anything. Getting out of bed felt completely impossible most days, and some days I would lay in bed until forced to move. I wasn't sleeping, I was just not wanting to be. Diabetes was all over the place because everything affects diabetes. That made me feel very sick a lot. My balance was completely gone and I had very little ability to judge distances. Not long distances, but like steps. Stairs are scary when you are having a hard time judging how far to lift your foot and your balance is off. I cried a lot. Not for any particular reason... I just couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. It was a slow decent into madness. Everything hurt, too. My legs, my sides, my arms and shoulders and head. By the time I got home from work, I would go straight back to bed because I was out of energy from faking happy. (Something I have learned, DO NOT EVER fake happy--at least not with loved ones.) Mom and my sister would get mad at me, or something, because they felt like they were getting leftovers of my time and my presence. In all honesty, everyone was getting leftovers. Even I was getting leftovers.
Actually, I can describe it all in one word.
Pain.
Emotionally draining. Cognitively draining. Physically draining.
The physical pain did not bother me. I can deal with physical pain. It was the emotional misunderstanding that was so stressful. I don't like to not be in control of things, and I felt like I was completely out of control.
I kind of had to learn that I'm never really in control I guess. God is. He uses diabetes and other things to remind me of that occasionally, and it was just time for another lesson. Everything became a lot clearer after I surrendered control to Him and stopped trying so hard.
I'm getting back to "normal" now, so I have more desire and more ability. I don't have to fake happy anymore, so that's good. Some things I didn't even realize were wrong with me are starting to get better--like the distance I had begun to create between me and humanity. Sometimes you just can't even tell what's wrong either because it's a slow decent, or because there's so much wrong at one time. Whatever. I'm glad it is finally going away.
I wanted to write about it for several reasons. First, because I wanted my readers to understand why I had been absent. Second, because no one really sees this kind of pain in people. Physical problems are easy for others to see, but it is the invisible pain that is usually underestimated or unseen. Adding to the problem, a lot of people do not know very much about diabetes or many other autoimmune diseases, such as hypothyroidism and hoshimoto's disease. If people don't know much about it, it is impossible for them to understand everything that the disease entails.
***DISCLAIMER***
I don't want to write this for a pity party--PLEASE DO NOT PITY ME. Everyone has their own battles that they are fighting, so respect that. I just wanted to raise awareness as to what all these diseases can affect.
