We need to talk.
When we got started, you were very attentive. You were with me in the ups and downs and you helped me make some healthier lifestyle choices. But things have changed. You made some false promises and I have to call you out on that.
Rather than paying attention to me, you require a lot of attention. If I don't give you what you want, you punish me. If I don't check on you every few hours or sooner, you make me pay. You demand for me to think about you every second of every day, and you demand that I consider you with every decision I make. I can't make any "plans" spontaneously, because you do not approve of those. Every detail has to be run by you to make sure that it is okay. You are very controlling!
You are very abusive. Physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, in every way possible. You make me feel like I can't do anything without help. You make me feel depressed when I have no reason to be. You make me feel weak and sick all the time. You hurt me physically, too. I have scars all over my body from the drugs you make me take. My skin is thick and ugly because of the scars and scar tissue. My arms, my legs, my back and my belly are all hurt from your abuse. Modesty isn't an issue for me, because of the visible evidence you leave on my skin in those places. It wouldn't matter if I left you today, that will never leave me. I will live with that for the rest of my life. Because of you, it also takes me longer to heal. You have destroyed my body's ability to heal itself quickly and you make me breakable. Consequently, I feel weak.
You make people afraid to have anything to do with me. They don't understand our relationship, and they don't understand you. Because of that, my entire life I've dealt with rejection or neglect from the people around me. The only people that will put up with you is family and my closest friends. Others don't stick around for long, because you run them off.
You are expensive. I never have any money because I have to afford your needs. I feel like I'll never be able to support myself because I have to take care of you first. You eat my paychecks, regardless of how much money I make. When I feel like I'm finally getting ahead, you find a way to take that away from me. You don't have "cheap" needs, but everything with you is expensive. I can't afford to live with you, but living without you is not an option at this time.
You are a thief. You not only take my money, but you take years of my life and experiences from me. I don't get to do things that most people enjoy doing because of you. You destroy me inside a little more everyday and rob years from me. You stole a lot of things, including choosing what I eat and what I can do for a career. You took my ability to play sports and ride roller-coasters and drive for long periods of time. Living with you will kill me eventually, but I can't leave you. You won't let me do that. But every time you misbehave or hurt me, it destroys me inside and brings me one step closer to my demise. You have robbed my freedom to live.
You make me a burden. I know I can't afford you by myself, so for the rest of my life, whomever I am with will have to afford both of us. My parents, my sister, my future roommates or spouse will have to accept that I am expensive because I come with you. Within reason, no matter how much I work I will never be able to keep up with your cost. I will be a burden on my family, or I will feel like a burden on my family. Regardless of what they say or do, I will know that you are not easy to deal with--especially because of your cost.
I can never take a break from you. It doesn't matter if I am sick, or I am spending a lot of time at work, or I am on vacation, or whatever. I have to take you with me everywhere. There is no babysitter for you. You are my constant companion and you don't let me forget you are there. I never get a day to myself because you demand to be put first. But I put up with you, because I know you'll kill me if I don't. Slowly and painfully.
I wish that I could leave you. There probably isn't a single day that goes by that I don't wish I could just walk away and leave you far behind. I know that isn't an option, so I have to deal with your consequences. Honestly, I would rather you be with me than with my family and friends. I will take your daily beatings and other consequences so that they don't have to. They help me argue with you, but I feel better knowing that they aren't dealing with you directly.
I know that I cannot leave you yet, but I know that there will come a day wen I can. Believe me when I say that I will leave you as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
Taylor Renee Ryerse
