Confession...

Okay. So I have a confession to make. And I don't like it.

Confession: I feel like I have just been diagnosed. I'm actually going in and out of stages of denial at this point, too.

Because I was diagnosed at 10 months old, my parents took care of the diabetes. Well, they did most of the care until about two years ago (when I turned 18 and decided I wanted to do it by myself). It's so weird for me to say this, but it feels like I was just diagnosed. I go in and out of stages of denial and depression etc. I didn't realize how much work was involved in this crazy disease until I started doing it all.

I have to log my blood sugars now. That's something that Mom always did. It kind of sucks because it's time consuming. It also kind of sucks because it is necessary. If I can see a pattern with my blood sugars, then I know what to look for and correct. I do have to say, since I got my dexcom and it is working properly that is a lot easier! I used to have to log it all by hand from my meter. If I do it right, I have to include what I've eaten and everything, so it should happen at least once a day.

I have to count my carbs. That is probably my least favorite chore. I know better now what I should and shouldn't be eating, because I'm the primary caregiver. I actually have to eat, even when I'm not hungry, at certain times of the day. There is a food schedule I have to stay on, otherwise the roller coaster begins and it doesn't end for a long time. I have also noticed that my blood sugar stays in better range when I eat more along the lines of a Paleo Diet (no grains or dairy). I have an abnormal reaction to gluten and lactose. My blood sugar will spike and it stays in the 200s-400s for several days. Now that I'm my own primary caregiver, all of that is stuff I am forced to consider every second of every day.

I have to calculate my own insulin, without much help or instruction. That's a really big deal. If I miscalculate and give too much, and don't catch it later, I'll die from a low blood sugar. If I miscalculate and don't give enough, I could end up in DKA or diabetic coma. That will either kill me, or give me additional life-long problems to deal with. I honestly had to get used to calculating insulin on my own. I had to figure out more than just carb ratios that. I had to figure out how much to give if I'm high, or how much to eat and correct for if I'm low. That is a constant battle.

I am responsible for making sure my blood sugar is in range so that I can drive, sleep, work, etc. I have to be between 80 and 180--and steady--before I am comfortable driving anywhere. I don't trust myself behind the wheel if I am outside of that range. This causes problems, Driving to someplace I might be fine, but that can change by the time I have to drive home. I have had to call someone to rescue me on more than one occasion because I could not get my blood sugar back in that range. Working brings in some more difficulties, If it is a busy day, my blood sugar has run low enough that I need a long break and I have to stop my pump. But if it is a slow day, I can't seem to keep my sugar down. Regardless of whether or not I can drive when my shift is over, these highs and lows are very dangerous to my health. Immediate health, and long-term health are at risk with these fluctuations.

There's a list of things I have to do before I can go to sleep at night. If my sugar is low, I have to make sure that it is brought up before I go to sleep. IT doesn't matter how tired I am, I cannot sleep if my sugar stays low. That could be the last bad decision I make. If my sugar is high, I have to make sure it is in range or dropping before I can sleep. If I see that it is dropping and I choose to go to sleep, I have to set a clock for about an hour or two later to make sure it is still dropping or it is in range. If it isn't in range, I set another alarm. It's worse than a child, because there in no benefit to it. It's more like my little monster.

I have to be more careful about my emotions now. Emotions drive my blood sugars wild, so if I am not careful with how I react or respond to things, my health is in danger. If I put myself in a stressful situation for a prolonged period of time, there is no telling what will happen to my blood sugars. If something happens that makes me very sad, diabetes reacts to that. If I make a decision I am not happy with and I feel regret for it, it does not escape diabetes' grasp. If I am too tired, or feeling sick, or even too happy my disease knows and it reacts to my emotions.

I have to inform everyone I'm around that I am not "normal." Especially on a job interview, I have to let my potential employers know that I have some special needs. If they aren't comfortable with that, then I have to look for a different opportunity. I have to get to know my friends very well before I go and do anything without my Tay-Dar. The better they know me, the more they catch the things that I am likely to miss. I have to inform my school and my teachers that I have some special needs, too, and I have to make sure that they accommodate those appropriately. (Basically, that means not getting angry if I have to check my blood sugar in class, get insulin or eat something to correct a low.) Because I do this all without help, I just have to make sure that they will allow me to do so. Sometimes this is a challenge.

Actually, I'll even admit that some days I don't have diabetes. Diabetes has me. Some days I let it get to me and it destroys me from the inside out. Literally. It's not like I haven't been doing this forever. It's just that I'm doing it myself now, so it all comes back on me. The thing with the emotions is a big deal, because I'm the one protecting me. People have no idea how much my little monster effects me, and they get mad when I put my little monster first. But I am the only one who is responsible for whether I live or die because of diabetes.

It's a lot to handle, so I'm thankful for the support I get from my friends and family. Especially the ones that I let close enough to find out how much I am struggling with it.